I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
