I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
