i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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