Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
