you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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