I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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