you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
