I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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