fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
