I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
