I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
