Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
