Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
