Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
