babies were throwing up all over the place
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
