Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
