I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You were trust falling into bushes
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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