Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
