We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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