I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
