I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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