Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
