hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
