Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
