When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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