my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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