I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
