my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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