A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
