and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
