Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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