According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
