eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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