You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
