Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
