god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
