i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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