if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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