Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
