You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
sarcasm needs its own font
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
