She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
