I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
