Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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