How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
your room smells of hookers.
And success
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
