I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
