John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
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I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
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He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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