I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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