I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
