We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
