I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
