I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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