He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
