Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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