so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
