I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
In America we eat man semen.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
