I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
