I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
