1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
