Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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