Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
